theathleticuk
So ..
were well into July.
Most of the big offseason action is over.
Things are largely quiet.
Pierre LeBrun is at his cottage.
Most importantly, my editors are exhausted and not paying attention.
And longtime readers know what that means.
Welcome to Slow News Summer.
It is time to get well and truly weird.
Advertisement OK, sure, a lot of what we do around here is weird at the best of times.
Ill grant you that.
But the dog days of summer? Thats when its time to reach down deep on the ideas list.
If thats going to bother you, consider this your fair warning to tag out now, and well see you in September.
If youre the sort of person who likes to post slow news day? in the comments, then yes, it absolutely is, so kick rocks.
But for everyone else, lets get weird.
Todays question: Which combination of syllables can build the all-time best starting lineup from NHL history? In other words, you count the syllables in both a players first and last name, and thats their team.
Wayne Gretzky has one syllable in his first name and two in his second, so hes the captain of Team 1-2.
Mario Lemieux is Team 3-2, Bobby Orr is Team 2-1, and so on.
This should be fun.
But first, a few ground rules TM: Each team gets two forward lines, two defense pairings and a goaltender.
Beyond that, were not worried about wingers vs.
centers or which way the blueliners shoot.
Well go with whatever a players most common name was when they played, which may not be their formal government name.
If theres a dispute to be had about what a players real name was, well use whatever is on their Hockey-Reference page (with one exception well get to on our very first team).
Well do our best in cases where there could be different pronunciations, but will default to what a typical North American fan would use.
If that doesnt help, well probably just skip the guy, because you should have better things to do than argue about this stuff on a hot summers day.
(I dont, but you should.) Were looking at a players entire career here, but for closer calls well lean towards a peak of his powers view.
This is dumb.
I cant wait.
Team 1-1 Our first team is a challenge, especially up front.
We can start with one of the greatest goal-scorers of all time in Brett Hull.
But from there, the list starts to dry up quickly.
Advertisement Theres Steve Shutt, a Hall of Famer with a 60-goal season, and Rick Nash, who won a Rocket Richard.
But its not long before were down to Hall-of-Very-Good names such as Rick Vaive and Tim Kerr.
Ken Hodge is there, as are Mark Stone and Shane Doan.
But given the talent other teams will have available, that may not be enough.
So instead, well reach back to the leagues earlier days to find some HHOF names.
Somewhat oddly, the back end for Team 1-1 is much easier.
Were all set in goal, with options such as Jacques Plante or Glenn Hall being strong enough that we dont even really need to consider Grant Fuhr.
And on the blue line, we can start with a pair of Bruins legends in Ray Bourque and Brad Park before mixing in a modern-day star in Quinn Hughes.
The last spot comes down to Mark Howe, Rob Blake or Brent Burns, all solid options.
(One note: Hockey-Reference lists Bourques name as Raymond and not Ray, but Im overruling them.
Everyone called him Ray, except for Gary Thorne that one time.) First line: Brett Hull, Steve Shutt, Rick Nash Second line: Toe Blake, Syl Apps, Milt Schmidt First pair: Ray Bourque, Brad Park Second pair: Quinn Hughes, Mark Howe Goalie: Jacques Plante Not bad, and we can ice a third line of the Cook brothers (Bun, Bill and Bud).
But it feels like well be able to do better with some of our other combos.
Team 2-1 Now were talking.
If you were going to make up a classic hockey name, this might be the format youd use.
We get to start with names such as Gordie Howe, Bobby Orr and Bobby Hull, and our top line and top pair are both made up of classic old-time stars.
Only nine players in history have won three or more Harts, and weve got four of them.
We lose a bit of luster on the second groups, but only a little.
This is a very strong entry.
First line: Gordie Howe, Bobby Hull, Bobby Clarke Second line: Patrick Kane, Adam Oates, Elmer Lach First pair: Bobby Orr, Eddie Shore Second pair: Brian Leetch, Duncan Keith Goalie: Patrick Roy Thats our clear early leader, but there are some big names still to come.
Advertisement Just not any time soon, because we need to talk about Team 3-1.
Look, you folks know Im a completionist.
But for reasons Ive never really contemplated until now, there just arent many 3-1 names out there, hockey players or otherwise.
And I have too much respect for Jonathan Toews to force him to try to drag Evander Kane and Oliver Bonk up and down the ice against rosters of all-time greats.
I went back and forth on this, but once I found myself contemplating Akira Schmid as my goalie, it was clear: Team 3-1 wont ice a team in this competition.
(But if you can come up with a functional roster for them, post it in the comments to win a clinking beer glasses emoji from me.) So having worked our way through the monosyllabic last names, its time for a look at the squad that might be our tournament favorite.
Team 1-2 Wayne Gretzky, come on down.
And he wont be alone.
We can give him two of the greatest goal-scoring wingers ever in Mike Bossy and Guy Lafleur.
Our second line can feature Ted Lindsay and Joe Sakic, which means we might not even have room for names like Joe Thornton, Ron Francis and Mats Sundin.
This team is stacked up front.
And the back end is almost as strong.
We can form an old-timer pairing with Doug Harvey and Red Kelly, then roll out a modern one of Chris Pronger and Paul Coffey, which means were snubbing guys like Scott Stevens, Shea Weber, Drew Doughty and Cale Makar.
Once we casually slide one of the greatest goalies ever into our crease, its clear this squad has no weaknesses.
First line: Wayne Gretzky, Mike Bossy, Guy Lafleur Second line: Joe Sakic, Ted Lindsay, Joe Thornton First pair: Doug Harvey, Red Kelly Second pair: Paul Coffey, Chris Pronger Goalie: Ken Dryden Team 1-2 looks terrifying.
And yet ..
maybe not unbeatable.
Team 2-1 certainly gives them a game, and weve got a few teams still to come, including another potential powerhouse in..
Team 2-2 Weve got plenty to work with here, beginning in goal where the battle between Martin Brodeur and Terry Sawchuk for the starters job is so intense we dont even have to invite names like Henrik Lundqvist and Eddie Belfour to camp.
And anyone we put in net shouldnt have to work too hard, because our blue line starts with Nicklas Lidstrom and Denis Potvin.
(Were good on Nicklas being two syllables, right? Ive noticed some people slipping an extra one midway through as if hes a Nicolas but I dont think thats canon.) Advertisement Up front, we can put together a couple of fun lines.
Our first is built around Sidney Crosby, and its fantastic.
The second line might never give up possession.
Our forwards are so strong that guys such as Pavel Bure, Eric Lindros and Auston Matthews dont make the cut on my version.
First line: Sidney Crosby, Rocket Richard, Marcel Dionne Second line: Jari Kurri, Peter Forsberg, Pavel Datsyuk First pair: Nicklas Lidstrom, Denis Potvin Second pair: Victor Hedman, Erik Karlsson Goalie: Martin Brodeur Thats another loaded roster, one that should be able to hang with Team 1-2 and Team 2-1.
But were not done yet..
Team 3-2 After the disappointment of Team 3-1s no-show, you might worry this one would be another dud.
But then you remember Mario Lemieux exists.
And hes not showing up alone.
In fact, we can ice a fun first line of Penguins legends.
The blue line starts strong with Zdeno Chara, before we run into a pronunciation dispute with Boorje Salming.
My recollection growing up in Toronto is that most people pronounced it as a distinctly three-syllable name, like Bor-ee-ya, but the native Swedish pronunciation seems more subtle.
Im going to err on the side of letting him play, but if any Swedes want to file an official protest in the comments, well get the paperwork started.
The problem is that once we get past those first groups, our lack of depth begins to show.
In fact, the options are weak enough that it feels like even Mario wont be able to lead this group to contention.
But then you get to the goalie and ..
well, maybe this squad can compete with the big kids after all.
First line: Mario Lemieux, Jaromir Jagr, Evgeni Malkin Second line: Marian Hossa, Sebastian Aho, Miroslav Satan First pair: Zdeno Chara, Borje Salming Second pair: Derian Hatcher, Marc-Edouard Vlasic Goalie: Dominik Hasek Advertisement Now its time to wrap back around to our three-syllable last names.
I initially wondered if Team 1-3 might run into the same fate as their spiritual cousins from Team 3-1.
But lets just say I didnt need to worry.
Team 1-3 Yeah, these guys are going to be just fine, especially up front where were stacked with Hall of Famers.
The blue line features three Norris winners (and would get a fourth if Id been able to convince myself that Niedermayer was three syllables), leaving goal as our only quasi-weakness.
Do we have to go with Jake Oettinger, or can we find a Vezina-worthy name to push him to backup duty? It turns out we can.
First line: Jean Beliveau, Stan Mikita, Steve Yzerman Second line: Mark Messier, Luc Robitaille, Dale Hawerchuk First pair: Chris Chelios, Al MacInnis Second pair: Zach Werenski, Pat Stapleton Goalie: Georges Vezina Not bad, although the top-to-bottom depth probably keeps them from competing for top spot.
Team 2-3 This was another team I thought might be challenging.
Instead, theyre absolutely loaded up front, with maybe the best first line weve seen so far and a very strong second unit that doesnt leave room for Nathan MacKinnon, Leon Drasaitl, Brendan Shanhan or Martin St.
Louis (and more importantly, frees us from having to argue over whether Trottier is two syllables or three).
Goalie is locked up too, with the present-day trinity of Connor Hellebuyck, Igor Shesterkin and Ilya Sorokin battling for the job.
This team is stacked.
But then a funny thing happens the blue line cant keep up, with only one true star.
Yeah, we appear to have discovered another one of those immutable laws of the hockey universe: If you give your kid a Team 2-3 name, theyre going to grow up to be a forward or a goalie.
I have no working theory on why this is, but Ill let you know once Ive developed one.
First line: Connor McDavid, Alex Ovechkin, Jarome Iginla Second line: Patrice Bergeron, Sergei Fedorov, Teemu Selanne First pair: Larry Robinson, Marcel Pronovost Second pair: Miro Heiskanen, Eric Desjardins Goalie: Connor Hellebuyck Advertisement (And yes, Ovechkin is an Alex and not an Alexander according to Hockey-Reference, so he plays.) Team 3-3 and above Our final team is a bit a cheat, but its one that solves two problems at once: that a regular Team 3-3 would be thin, and that lots of great players with long names cant fit on any of our teams.
So instead of pretending a team with Artturi Lehkonen and Jonathan Marchessault would be especially competitive, lets build around some legit 3-3 stars up front and in goal and then supplement them with players who dont qualify for any other teams because they break the four barrier on a name.
First line: Nikita Kucherov, Artemi Panarin, Jeremy Roenick Second line: Phil Esposito, Alex Delvecchio, Alexander Mogilny First pair: Scott Niedermayer, Alex Pietrangelo Second pair: Viacheslav Fetisov, Vladimir Konstantinov Goalie: Roberto Luongo And the winner is..
...a topic we can argue about in the comments.
Feel free to create your own entries, or modify mine.
And as an optional side quest, lets see if we can nail down coaches or even GMs for each team.
And of course, if you have any ridiculous ideas for a future column youd like to see me try, let me know.
Slow News Summer is here, and its OK to get weird.