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As the saying goes, hindsight is 2023. It’s 2023, and it’s time to take a nostalgic look back at the crazy years in Bay Area sports that are yet to come.
• In a wave of moves similar to those in Cleveland and Washington, DC, progressive forces have pressured the Golden State Warriors to ditch a nickname many consider offensive. That’s how the Warriors become Frisco Fogg.
• The San Francisco Giants have announced that they will no longer refer to their coaching staff as ‘coaching staff’ but will ask them to refer to them as ‘faculty’ in a move to put a more savvy face on operations. When the traditional media and fans mock the team’s prestige, the Giants hire old-school first base coach Snoot Tuttle. ”
• A Giants “faculty” tried to book the Wine Country Hotel for a preseason retreat, but was denied because the entire hotel was reserved for the retreat by Frisco Fogg’s coach.
• With several teams rejecting him and contract offers getting smaller and smaller, Carlos Correa’s X-rays continue to haunt him. Agent Scott Boras cleverly negotiates free parking, but he eventually signed with the Oakland A’s for a major league minimum.
• During the first week of spring training, the A’s traded Correa to the Giants in exchange for two “faculties” and an autographed Barry Bonds baseball.
• With Kevin Durant’s Nets knocked out in the first round of the NBA playoffs, Durant announced plans to return to the current fog and reunite with Steve Kerr and company. Kerr and the guys didn’t return Durant’s texts or DMs for the burner account.
• The Las Vegas Raiders, hoping to bring back the magic of an old black hole, are giving the first 10,000 costumed fans with their Oakland ID a free ticket to a ‘home’ game.
• The Giants finally got their superstar and appreciated the signing of Shohei Ohtani more than anyone else. The Giants avoided analysis and kept Ohtani in the outfield every game leading up to the start of the pitch, and he earned his Gold Glove award.
• Saudi Arabia-backed LIV Golf Tour comes to Olympic Club in San Francisco. However, thousands of protesters show up as golfers deal with their tee shots, and the tournament is canceled during the shotgun start.
• Frisco Fog (admit it, that name will roll off your tongue) is sick of losing games to teams that flop better than him, so he hires WWE wrestlers and World Cup soccer stars to sell fouls. I will teach you how.
• Auckland Mayor Sheng Thao and City Council refuse to bow to John Fisher’s demand that Auckland cover all costs, and ‘affordable housing’ is defined as affordable housing for John Fisher. So Fisher and his sidekick Dave Kaval announced that the team was moving to Las Vegas.
• Global warming finally pays off before A loads the moving van. Due to the heat wave nationwide, sales of men’s pants have plummeted, and gap inventory has plummeted. Suddenly in financial trouble, Fisher, the heir to the Gap fortune, is forced to sell A.
• Fisher sells the team to Larry Ellison, who sells the team to Elon Musk when MLB refuses to let Ellison move the A’s to his private island of Hawaii, Lanai.
• Musk gives A a new motto MAGA — Make the A’s Great Again. To cut costs, Musk cut the roster to his seven and appointed himself the manager and shortstop. Musk sells the team to Joe Lacob when MLB intervenes.
• Lacob builds a new ballpark at the Coliseum site, completed just in time for the A’s to host Game 1 of the World Series. In honor of Oakland’s status as a working-class town, the new ballpark has no luxury suites and $5 beer.
• At the Coliseum site, Lacob will add an Oakland Roots football stadium and partner with Oakland’s African American Sports & Entertainment Group to land a WNBA expansion franchise playing in the existing Oakland Arena.
• After both Frisco Fog (imagine the merch!) and the Stanford Cardinal women’s basketball team won championships, Tara VanDerveer and Steve Kerr announced they were leaving coaching to run for political office. Kerr/VanDerveer will be his Democratic nominee for president in 2024. When asked why it wasn’t Vanderbier/Kerr, the former Stanford coach said, “We flipped a coin.”
• Jimmy Garoppolo and Trey Lance, healthy in time for the NFL playoffs, are activated to back up Brock Purdy, sending the 49ers’ armchair coaches to second thoughts. Plus, he signed Tom Brady and Colin Kaepernick a week after the 49ers won the Super Bowl.
Scott Ostler is a columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle. Email: [email protected]
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